Tag: mothehood

AITA take: Husband divorces wife who decided to become a SAHM

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I bumped into a Reddit thread making rounds on social media: husband asks “AITA?” after divorcing his wife following her decision to become a SAHM.

The wife bailed out on their earlier agreement to put the baby in daycare when she refused to return to work once their baby was 6 months old. She realized she needed to be with her child.

So far, that’s perfectly natural. Many couples who planned their careers pre-kids underestimate the powerful way a tiny baby tugs at a mom’s heartstrings. At 6 months old, mom and baby are still practically one unit. The baby may still be exclusively breastfeeding. It’s VERY common to look at your tiny tot and realize that your priorities have changed.

The issue is with how the mom handled this situation. As the marriage partner who wanted this lifestyle change, she should have been ready for every effort to make it work. This doesn’t seem to have been the case at all:

She quit her job. She took care of baby during my work hours and wanted me to take care of cooking dinner on weekdays and cooking, cleaning and baby care on weekends because “stay at home mom deserves breaks too.”

The original poster states he had been working 80 hours a week. That’s like two full-time jobs! It’s insane and unsustainable for any length of time. I’m not sure what his field of work is, but assuming he makes more than minimum wage, the family could have probably gotten by with him working fewer hours.

This is the point where the wife should have said, “Honey, being home with Little One is the most important thing in the world to me right now. I’m ready to compromise on material things to make it happen. I’ll give up my car/ make a more frugal meal plan/ cut down on unnecessary purchases/ get baby’s things second-hand/ happily accept a staycation or camping instead of an expensive holiday.”

Or, “Let’s consider moving to a smaller house in a less expensive area.”

Or, “Let me look into flexible work from home options to contribute to our finances.”

Did she say that? If she did, the original post doesn’t mention it.

Next, it seems like the wife expected the husband to devote practically every moment at home to housework and chores “because stay-at-home moms deserve a break too.” I’m very sorry, but that’s not how this works.

Yes, everyone deserves a break, but it’s only fair that the stay-at-home parent takes on the larger share of housework, especially once the kid is past the newborn stage. If she gets a break anytime the husband is around, when does HE get a break? Especially remembering he works 80 hours a week.

Finally, once she knew the marriage is falling apart because of her attitude, she should have backpedaled. She should have realized that, if they divorced, the baby would end up in daycare anyway (as in fact did happen).

I was a SAHM for many years, and today I work from home as a freelancer. My husband never worked 80 hours a week. In fact, for extended periods, he didn’t even work 80 hours a month.

I always realized that I’m making a tradeoff: less money, more time and flexibility. I made some mistakes along the way, but overall, my priorities remain unchanged: I choose a smaller income and fewer material things in exchange for a better work-life balance. I don’t assume that the universe owes me the lifestyle I could have had if we had been a family with two full-time incomes. Fact: Today’s economy is wired for dual-income families. To make it work on one income, you need flexibility, creativity, compromises, and often sacrifices.

In short, this man didn’t divorce his wife because she wanted to be a SAHM. He divorced her because she was exploiting him and running him into the ground. It looks like the wife dismantled her own marriage with her selfishness and entitlement.

An oasis of mindfulness

Not long ago, a mom of little ones complained to me that her children never agree to settle down for a meal without her showing them some movie or video on the ipad or TV. They would watch, hardly aware of what they were eating, while she spooned food into their mouths.

Appalled by such a portrayal of family dinner, I asked whether she sits down to eat with them. It turned out the idea has not even occurred to her. She, too, would eat at odd moments here and there, fiddling with her phone.

I suggested that the first step should be setting aside all electronic devices and prohibiting all unrelated activities during dinner, to which the whole family should sit together. I told her I don’t allow reading under the table, drawing, or playing during a meal.

“It would never work for me,” she said with a little smile. I could tell she thought I was clueless.

Please note I’m not telling this to be condescending or to give myself a pat on the backj. This mom is wonderful and devoted and loves her children very much. The fact, however, is that we are now on the second generation of children who have been constantly bombarded by screens all their lives. I grew up with the TV constantly blaring in the background, and I hated it. Now, with the explosion of Internet access, touchscreens, and an incessant flow of information, is it any wonder we are getting lost in all that?

Don’t get me wrong, I love my laptop and phone. I love the fact that I can work from any device on Google Drive. I love being able to get on YouTube and find a quick tutorial for just about anything… But too much of a good thing, you know?..

No matter how educational a video is, I still maintain that it’s better for a toddler to play in a mud puddle. I firmly adhere to the belief that once you turn screens off, wonderful things begin to happen. Children pick up paper, paint, crayons; books, board games, puzzles; they climb trees, build forts, ride bikes; they learn to work with fiber, textile, wood; they dig in the garden, pick tomatoes off the vine, observe insects. You need proper space for that kind of good old-fashioned messy fun, and you won’t get that space until the siren song of screens of all kinds is turned off. Unfortunately, some children never get that space, not even when they go places.

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This afternoon: cool grass, bare feet, ball of yarn.

Don’t be afraid to be a little old-fashioned. Don’t be taken aback if your children seem to be constantly bored. Some boredom is a good and healthy medium conductive to peace of mind. So come… Let’s get bored together. Then we’ll think of things to make, grow, write, paint. And then life will get pretty exciting!