Author: Anna

An Orthodox Jewish mom and freelance writer enjoying a simple life with her family and chickens, somewhere in the north of Israel.

Should stay-at-home moms get paid?

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Recently, I’ve been browsing quite a lot of the AITA subreddit. You come across some interesting stories, like this take from a stay-at-home mom:

“It’s the hardest, yet most rewarding job in the world. It is work though and I feel like I should get at least some compensation for all that I sacrifice. My husband doesn’t feel that way at all, though.

I decided to draft up a list of the stuff that I do around the house. Daycare, cleaning, cooking, etc., and after the tykes were put down I presented it to him and explained that I would like to be have a separate bank account and be paid (min wage). I figured that was completely reasonable, but apparently not.”

So… should stay-at-home moms be paid? I don’t think so.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that SAHMs are often taken for granted and not appreciated enough, even by themselves. I remember myself as a young mom with two toddlers, milk goats, a bunch of chickens, and a dog to take care of, constantly questioning whether I’m doing enough. Which, now I think about it, was crazy and kind of sad.

I also know from experience that stay-at-home parents are vulnerable and disadvantaged financially. It’s not just about the money you don’t make while you dedicate yourself to raising your children. It’s about employability. While you’re busy changing diapers and picking up toys, your professional qualifications are slipping away. Any degree you have might become less relevant with a ten-year gap on your resume. If you ever seek paid work again, you can’t pick up from the point where you left off as a college graduate or young professional. You have to start from scratch, and no one will be lining up to hire you.

Still, I don’t believe a stay-at-home mom should get money from her husband. I find this degrading. It reduces their relationship from life partners to boss-employee.

A husband and wife are one unit. Any money that one of the spouses makes belongs to both, and both should have equal access to the bank account unless there’s a good reason to do otherwise. The law agrees: in divorces, money earned by either spouse during the marriage is typically considered community property.

The stay-at-home mom from the Reddit thread above has access to the family’s money, but said she feels guilty using it for “stuff that’s just for me, like manicures or going out with my friends.”

This, I think, is the core issue here. Provided manicures and occasional outings are within this family’s budget, the mom should feel zero guilt giving herself these little pick-me-ups. She is an equal partner in the household, and shouldn’t need pin-money from her husband to validate that.

Of course, this raises questions. Has the husband ever made her feel bad about spending money on herself (as long as she doesn’t overspend)? Is he a financial control freak? Or does she simply feel uncomfortable using the money she didn’t put into the account? That’s the matter they should discuss and resolve.

AITA take: Husband divorces wife who decided to become a SAHM

Photo by MYKOLA OSMACHKO on Pexels.com

I bumped into a Reddit thread making rounds on social media: husband asks “AITA?” after divorcing his wife following her decision to become a SAHM.

The wife bailed out on their earlier agreement to put the baby in daycare when she refused to return to work once their baby was 6 months old. She realized she needed to be with her child.

So far, that’s perfectly natural. Many couples who planned their careers pre-kids underestimate the powerful way a tiny baby tugs at a mom’s heartstrings. At 6 months old, mom and baby are still practically one unit. The baby may still be exclusively breastfeeding. It’s VERY common to look at your tiny tot and realize that your priorities have changed.

The issue is with how the mom handled this situation. As the marriage partner who wanted this lifestyle change, she should have been ready for every effort to make it work. This doesn’t seem to have been the case at all:

She quit her job. She took care of baby during my work hours and wanted me to take care of cooking dinner on weekdays and cooking, cleaning and baby care on weekends because “stay at home mom deserves breaks too.”

The original poster states he had been working 80 hours a week. That’s like two full-time jobs! It’s insane and unsustainable for any length of time. I’m not sure what his field of work is, but assuming he makes more than minimum wage, the family could have probably gotten by with him working fewer hours.

This is the point where the wife should have said, “Honey, being home with Little One is the most important thing in the world to me right now. I’m ready to compromise on material things to make it happen. I’ll give up my car/ make a more frugal meal plan/ cut down on unnecessary purchases/ get baby’s things second-hand/ happily accept a staycation or camping instead of an expensive holiday.”

Or, “Let’s consider moving to a smaller house in a less expensive area.”

Or, “Let me look into flexible work from home options to contribute to our finances.”

Did she say that? If she did, the original post doesn’t mention it.

Next, it seems like the wife expected the husband to devote practically every moment at home to housework and chores “because stay-at-home moms deserve a break too.” I’m very sorry, but that’s not how this works.

Yes, everyone deserves a break, but it’s only fair that the stay-at-home parent takes on the larger share of housework, especially once the kid is past the newborn stage. If she gets a break anytime the husband is around, when does HE get a break? Especially remembering he works 80 hours a week.

Finally, once she knew the marriage is falling apart because of her attitude, she should have backpedaled. She should have realized that, if they divorced, the baby would end up in daycare anyway (as in fact did happen).

I was a SAHM for many years, and today I work from home as a freelancer. My husband never worked 80 hours a week. In fact, for extended periods, he didn’t even work 80 hours a month.

I always realized that I’m making a tradeoff: less money, more time and flexibility. I made some mistakes along the way, but overall, my priorities remain unchanged: I choose a smaller income and fewer material things in exchange for a better work-life balance. I don’t assume that the universe owes me the lifestyle I could have had if we had been a family with two full-time incomes. Fact: Today’s economy is wired for dual-income families. To make it work on one income, you need flexibility, creativity, compromises, and often sacrifices.

In short, this man didn’t divorce his wife because she wanted to be a SAHM. He divorced her because she was exploiting him and running him into the ground. It looks like the wife dismantled her own marriage with her selfishness and entitlement.

A quick update

Photo by aboodi vesakaran on Pexels.com

Following the recent developments in our area, I thought I’d just pop in, say hi, and let everyone know we’re fine.

We’ve had our share of dashes to the bomb shelter at 4 a.m., but overall, we’re OK and hoping for some deep-rooted changes in the area after all this is over.

The threat of the bloodthirsty IRGC, which has vowed multiple times to annihilate Israel, has hung over us like a black cloud for years. I was often scared, not of war, but of what may happen if our government sits on its hands for the sake of temporary false calm. In a way, it’s a relief to know we’re tackling this menace now.

In the meantime, we’re trying to go on as normally as possible. Everything is closed, we don’t dare to venture too far from home because we need to stay near the familiar route to the bomb shelter, but we’re de-stressing as much as possible with books, crafts, board games, cooking, baking, digging in the ground, and hanging out with our animals.

Everything will be well. Am Yisrael Chai!

Crocheting with Pure Silk by Ice Yarns

I’ve been MIA for a while again throughout a super busy period – but I did have some downtime to finish this top, on which I’ve been working for over a year (with breaks for other projects).

I combined two patterns; one for the upper part and another for the lower, both from Pinterest.

Materials: Six 25-gram, 210-meter balls (total of 150 grams and 1260 meters) of Pure Silk by Ice Yarns, a 100% silk lace weight yarn, and a 2.5 mm hook.

This specific yarn has by now been discontinued (although some retailers still list what’s probably leftover stock), so I’ll just focus on what it’s like to crochet with pure silk yarn in general. Silk/wool or silk/cotton blends are far more common; working with 100% silk is a whole another experience.

First, the softness. Silk feels amazing against the skin and is 100% non-irritating and non-abrasive. Suitable for all skin types, even the most sensitive. Silk is hypoallergenic and naturally mold- and fungi-resistant. It’s also very gentle on the fingers and won’t chafe even when you’ve been crocheting for hours.

Second, the drape. Silk drapes incredibly and has quite a bit of stretch if you use a relatively large hook. This top wears amazingly: it hugs the body without being too tight and has zero stiffness. This, of course, is also due to the fact that I worked with laceweight yarn: the thinner the yarn you have patience to work with, the more delicate and drapey crochet garments will come out. (Sidenote: The crafters who say crochet garments never turn out as nice as knit ones usually forget that crochet creates a thicker fabric, so you HAVE to work with thinner yarns for good drape and a comfortable, not too thick garment.)

Third, the sheen. This isn’t noticeable in the photos, but when light hits the fabric directly, you’ll see a lovely, muted sheen, subtle and elegant.

Silk also has wonderful temperature regulation properties and is perfect for any weather. It keeps you cool when it’s hot and warm when it’s cold.

Now for the downsides: silk yarn can be pretty slippery, and keeping your tension (I.e., achieving even stitches) could be a challenge. Stitches tend to be looser and less uniform, which creates a poorer stitch definition, meaning your pattern won’t look as crisp as when you work with wool or cotton.

Silk yarn also tends to split, so a rounded hook would work best. Finally, it frogs so easily that you can accidentally rip out half a row if you drop your project or don’t fold it carefully enough in your bag when you aren’t working on it.

And, of course, we have to mention the price. Silk is highly labor-intensive, which makes it expensive. A whole garment from pure silk yarn can hurt the wallet! That’s another pro of working with lace weight yarn: a little goes a long way.

If you’re keen on diving into a crochet project with pure silk yarn, you can try the lovely Malabrigo Mora (which, however, is substantially thicker than the yarn I used here, being fingering rather than laceweight) or look up silk yarn on Colourmart.

Discovering ColourMart Yarns

I’ve wanted to work with pure cashmere for a long time, but as any yarn enthusiast knows, cashmere is ridiculously expensive. Then, while browsing Reddit one day, I spotted a comment saying, “If you want really nice yarn at great prices, check out ColourMart.”

Guys. I was blown away. [Just to be clear, I’m not an affiliate and make nothing from recommending ColourMart!] The website looks like it hasn’t been updated since 2005 or so, but you can find absolute treasures there.

How significant is the difference? Well, I ordered 300 grams (about 2,200 yards) of lace-weight cashmere yarn from ColourMart for $67. If you check out Jade Sapphire Mongolian Cashmere 2-ply on WEBS, one 55-gram hank (400 yards) sells for a whopping $54, so 300 grams would cost almost $300! Rowan Pure Cashmere is even more expensive: 50 grams costs $69.5, so 300 grams would cost $417.

So what’s the deal? Well, Colourmart sells luxury mill-end yarns from premiere textile mills and fashion houses. In other words, what you’re getting are the leftovers from making luxury fabrics on an industrial scale. This is what enables the retailer to sell cashmere, silk, alpaca, and other expensive yarns at mind-blowingly affordable prices.

One downside of ColourMart is that the selection and color palettes aren’t always predictable. The other is that the yarns are typically pre-treated with oil for industrial knitting, which makes the fibers feel stiffer and more compact until they’re washed. You can pay a small fee to have your yarn pre-washed and wound into hanks, as I did (by default, the yarn comes on cones). You can also wash the final garment, but as I understand, the fabric may “grow” a bit after washing, so prewashing or swatching might be better for size-sensitive garments.

I chose a heathered cashmere that feels a bit crisper than I’d expect, but I know that cashmere “blooms” and grows softer and fluffier with wear and gentle washing.

They also send you a selection of yarn samples, from cobweb to chunky, with your first order. It’s super helpful to feel the yarn to get an idea of what you might want to order next.

Mulberry bonanza!

Late spring/early summer is when mulberry trees deliver the good stuff. My kids love picking the sweet, intensely purple berries, but this year was the first time I discovered the leaves were edible, too.

I cooked them a la stuffed grape leaves, picking ones that were big enough to stuff but young and tender enough so they wouldn’t be too tough and fibrous. You also need to prep them by boiling for about two minutes to make the leaves pliable enough to work with. Don’t overboil, or you’ll end up with a mushy mess on your hands!

We also had enough berries to make jam this year. If you try it, just be aware that mulberries STAIN big time: kids’ hands, clothes, kitchen towels, work surfaces. I later discovered purple fingerprints on the refrigerator handle.

Mulberries don’t have a lot of pectin, so you either need to add some or boil the jam for a long time to thicken it. I happened to have a pomelo on hand, so I chopped up some of the white spongy pith, stuffed it in a couple of muslin bags (the ones I typically use for teas), and let it cook together with the jam. I also added some lemon juice. It set pretty nicely after cooling.

I forgot to remove the stems, which isn’t a disaster, but can influence texture. A quick whir in the blender solved this problem. Yum!

Success: growing new fruit from a pineapple top!

Pineapple is one of my favorite fruits. Ironically, I first tasted fresh pineapple only a few years ago: when I was growing up, I only saw it canned or dried and overloaded with sugar. So, of course, when I heard that you can actually grow a new pineapple plant from the top, I had to try it (especially since pineapple is among the pricier stuff in the produce aisle!).

First, choose a pineapple with a healthy-looking crown firmly attached to the top. This is really important: the new plant can’t photosynthesize or form roots without existing top leaves. Avoid pineapples with dried-out, browning leaves or signs of rot near the base.

Chop off the top close to the leaves. Some methods suggest rooting it in water, but I simply placed the top in potting soil, covered up to the base of the leaves, and kept it moist. In a few weeks, it took root and I could see new leaves beginning to form.

I kept my plant outdoors, but if it’s too cold for a pineapple in your area, it also makes a pretty houseplant. It’s also a fun project to do with kids.

Most guides that discuss growing pineapples this way mention that you should only expect fruit after two years or so. However, our pineapple gave us fruit in under a year! It was pretty small (as you can see in proportion to my hand), but the most delicious I ever tasted: juicy and very flavorful.