Tag: frugality

Should stay-at-home moms get paid?

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Recently, I’ve been browsing quite a lot of the AITA subreddit. You come across some interesting stories, like this take from a stay-at-home mom:

“It’s the hardest, yet most rewarding job in the world. It is work though and I feel like I should get at least some compensation for all that I sacrifice. My husband doesn’t feel that way at all, though.

I decided to draft up a list of the stuff that I do around the house. Daycare, cleaning, cooking, etc., and after the tykes were put down I presented it to him and explained that I would like to be have a separate bank account and be paid (min wage). I figured that was completely reasonable, but apparently not.”

So… should stay-at-home moms be paid? I don’t think so.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that SAHMs are often taken for granted and not appreciated enough, even by themselves. I remember myself as a young mom with two toddlers, milk goats, a bunch of chickens, and a dog to take care of, constantly questioning whether I’m doing enough. Which, now I think about it, was crazy and kind of sad.

I also know from experience that stay-at-home parents are vulnerable and disadvantaged financially. It’s not just about the money you don’t make while you dedicate yourself to raising your children. It’s about employability. While you’re busy changing diapers and picking up toys, your professional qualifications are slipping away. Any degree you have might become less relevant with a ten-year gap on your resume. If you ever seek paid work again, you can’t pick up from the point where you left off as a college graduate or young professional. You have to start from scratch, and no one will be lining up to hire you.

Still, I don’t believe a stay-at-home mom should get money from her husband. I find this degrading. It reduces their relationship from life partners to boss-employee.

A husband and wife are one unit. Any money that one of the spouses makes belongs to both, and both should have equal access to the bank account unless there’s a good reason to do otherwise. The law agrees: in divorces, money earned by either spouse during the marriage is typically considered community property.

The stay-at-home mom from the Reddit thread above has access to the family’s money, but said she feels guilty using it for “stuff that’s just for me, like manicures or going out with my friends.”

This, I think, is the core issue here. Provided manicures and occasional outings are within this family’s budget, the mom should feel zero guilt giving herself these little pick-me-ups. She is an equal partner in the household, and shouldn’t need pin-money from her husband to validate that.

Of course, this raises questions. Has the husband ever made her feel bad about spending money on herself (as long as she doesn’t overspend)? Is he a financial control freak? Or does she simply feel uncomfortable using the money she didn’t put into the account? That’s the matter they should discuss and resolve.

Is sharing finances with your spouse always the right choice?

I recently came across the following Facebook post by Dave Ramsey:

Dave proceeds to suggest that spouses should address whatever underlying issue that’s preventing them from sharing finances. While true in theory, this view is incredibly simplistic and naïve.

I agree that in a perfect world, all married couples would be on the same page financially, and would have no reason to keep their money separate. However, this doesn’t always work this way.

I can think of many situations in which sharing finances could, in fact, cause a lot of trouble. Here are just a few:

  • One spouse’s destructive financial habits, like compulsive shopping and inability to budget
  • Gambling and other addictions
  • A spouse carrying debt from before the marriage
  • People in blended family situations, i.e., each spouse brings kids from a prior marriage and is responsible for covering their own kids’ expenses

And that’s even without getting into the issue of financial abuse, like one spouse (often a stay-at-home parent or the one who earns less) being blocked from freely using joint accounts and instead getting “spending money” from the main breadwinner.

Reddit is full of stories like this one, with the self-explanatory title of “Recently discovered extent of my wife’s shopping addiction.“ The poster proceeds to tell that his wife blew “$6200 on high end cloths this last month with $5200 the month before that.”

So, according to Dave Ramsey, this couple should work on budgeting and aligning their financial goals. Which is a great suggestion, actually! But what if this doesn’t work out?

Suppose the overspending wife doesn’t acknowledge the extent of her problem. Or, suppose she does and makes an effort to fix it, but relapses. Should the financially responsible husband shoot himself in the foot by sharing funds with his wife at all costs, because “marriage is about unity”?

He could divorce her, of course. Many marriages fall apart because of disagreements over money. But is breaking up the only option if spouses can’t agree on money matters?

Let’s say this Redditor wants to stay together with his wife. Maybe they have a good relationship otherwise, and money is their only major disagreement. Maybe his wife actually wants to improve her spending habits, and maybe she even will at some future point, but in the meantime, what can he do to keep up with mortgage payments and put food on the table?

Separate their finances, obviously. It’s better than drowning together with your spouse because “there’s no such thing as your money/my money anymore.” Overall, I believe everyone should do what works for them, whether it’s shared or separate accounts.

Shopping smart: Save money by controlling impulse purchases

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For a very long time, I didn’t have an income or a credit card and lived in a location without any shops. Thus, while frugality was (and still is) a big part of my lifestyle, for many years I was free of the temptation of impulse purchases.

Fast forward a few years. I began earning money as a freelancer, got a credit card, and moved to an area with shops and reliable Wi-Fi. This meant I started doing a lot more shopping, and had to deal with controlling my own spending practically for the first time in my life.

It feels amazing to know that you can buy stuff after many years of everything, from socks to a new washer, being out of your reach. But staying within one’s budget is also part of adulting.

I’ll admit that, like so many others, I have occasionally succumbed to the lure of the next shiny thing. Impulse purchases are especially difficult to avoid when you shop online and can order something with the click of a button. And then, when that coveted item finally arrives, how often do you wonder what made you order it in the first place?

When I analyzed those “Don’t know what I was thinking” purchases, I saw a pattern. More often than not, I was stressed when browsing online. Or tired. Or I had had a really tough work week and felt like I “deserve” a little treat. And in most cases, by the time I got my stuff, I wasn’t sure why I wanted it and was 100% certain I didn’t need it.

There’s some great advice on curbing impulse purchases out there. Here are the top three tips that I’ve found most helpful:

One, distract yourself. Look up a fun recipe, watch a video of some beautiful places in New Zealand, listen to music, or read a book (you can find many freebie books on Amazon).

Two, reward yourself with positive things that don’t cost money, like a nature walk, a nice soak in a hot bath, or an afternoon of baking with your kids.

Three, wait. Add the item you want to a shopping list or put it in your online cart, but don’t hit “Buy” just yet. Wait a few days. If upon sober contemplation you decide you do want this thing and can afford it, go ahead. This way, there’s a much better chance you will enjoy rather than regret your purchase.

Can you do without a dryer?

Every winter, I think that maybe it’s time to finally splurge on a dryer. And every year, by the time I’ve almost decided to take the plunge, the rainy season is over and I can happily go back to this:

I’m lucky enough to live in a dry climate with plenty of sun and whole seasons without rain. But when it rains, I have to resort to indoor drying racks, which can be extremely annoying. Washing bedlinens usually waits for good weather days.

Here are a few tips to make indoor air drying more effective:

One, place the clothes with as much space between them as possible to help air circulation. I often use two racks when I could fit everything onto one, because clothes dry faster that way.

Two, go back after a few hours to a day and flip the clothes over to the other side on the rack. Yes, it’s a bit of extra hassle, but it speeds up drying.

Three, if space allows, place the drying rack in a room that you’re heating anyway. It will add moisture to the air, and your items will dry more quickly.

Finally, a bit of foresight: I love natural fabrics, but during stretches of rainy weather, we often wear synthetics. Synthetic materials dry in a flash, while my favorite cotton long-sleeved shirts can take almost a week to dry indoors completely.

And, of course, make sure you have enough changes of socks, pants, and other items, especially for kids. Young kids aren’t terribly careful with keeping clothes out of mud and puddles.

Keeping cool (and sane) in extreme heat

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August heat tends to throw me into a kind of torpor. It seems like summer just goes on and on, with no prospect of ever ending. All I want is to stay indoors with a cold drink and the AC running full blast, but indulging in too much air conditioning ends with an inflated electricity bill. So how can you stay cool (or at least a little cooler) during scorching hot summers without overpaying for it?

#1 Stick to cooling one part of the house

Heat rises up, which means that the upper level of our house gets insufferably hot during the day. Using the AC is more cost-efficient when we all hang out in the living room downstairs, rather than disperse around the house and run multiple AC units at the same time.

#2 Block sunlight

Draw the curtains or use blinds to block the sun when it hits your house directly (this, of course, will depend on where your house faces). Open the windows to catch the breeze during the cooler hours of the day, like the early morning.

#3 Use a frozen bottle and a fan

Freeze a water bottle and place it in front of a running fan. This simple hack will release a stream of cool air into a room.

#4 Take it easy when it’s hot

Don’t force anything too demanding during the hottest hours of the day. Stay indoors, and preferably rest. Do outdoor chores early in the morning or after sunset.

#5 Wear cotton

Choose lightweight, loose clothes from natural fabrics like cotton or linen. Don’t be tempted to expose too much skin to the sun, as it can actually make you feel hotter. Also choose cooling, absorbent bed linens.

#6 Take a cool shower

Or a cool foot bath. You could even sit with your feet in a bowl of water while you work on your laptop.

#7 Cook quickly

Opt for quick meals that don’t require you to heat up your kitchen (and the rest of your living area) for a long time.

#8 Spend time out of doors

When heat subsides, of course. Around here, we have 2-3 hours in the late afternoon/evening when the house has heated up despite my best efforts, but outside the temperatures drop. Spending that time out of doors helps us stay cool without keeping the AC overworked.

Dependence on disposables, or should the government impose a plastic tax?

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Israel’s new government is about to cancel two consumer taxes the previous government has put in place: a tax on disposable plastic tableware and a tax on sugary drinks (which also go out onto supermarket shelves in plastic bottles). Many people see this recent move as pandering to the Israeli ultra-Orthodox population and have a lot of things to say about those nutty religious fanatics who can’t bother to wash their dishes.

I’ve often said that large families have a huge environmentally friendly potential. Modest lifestyles, a limited amount of car and airplane travel, and lots of using hand-me-downs make religious families with many kids a lot less wasteful than many families with just one or two kids who burn up gas like there’s no tomorrow and order huge boxfuls of cheap stuff from Shein that’s going to end up in the landfill after a couple of wears.

Basically, I believe there are two elements that keep most large families in Israel from becoming truly environmentally friendly: time and brain-space.

I know what it’s like when you have a bunch of kids come indoors from playing, look into the sink, and discover it’s still full of last night’s dishes. Then you desperately reach for the stack of disposable plates and cups on the upper shelf, promising yourself you won’t procrastinate with dishwashing next time (or, in my case in the past, telling yourself you’ll have to wash those dishes the moment the running water supply resumes!)

Sidenote: As far as I know, most Haredi families in Israel don’t use a dishwasher. One reason is Jewish dietary restrictions: most strictly observant families would use the dishwasher either for meat or for dairy dishes, which would still leave them with huge amounts of kitchenware to wash by hand. Another reason is that the initial investment would seem daunting to many large families on a shoestring budget. And, finally, a dishwasher takes up space, and many Haredi families live in cramped apartments with tiny kitchens.

Another thing is brain-space or, if you prefer, lack of awareness. Ultra-Orthodox schools and society rarely emphasize environmental studies (although I definitely believe they should). Some even disparagingly call caring about the environment “the secular religion” and go on a tangent, saying that people “worship” the environment instead of caring about the “really important things”, like helping people in need. Of course, it’s a false narrative that often covers up one simple truth: when you have five kids under six, it’s hard to care about anything but day-to-day survival. You do what you need to do to keep your head above the water, even if it creates bigger landfills – which is ultimately one reason I chose not to cloth-diaper. I do try to improve and make more environmentally friendly choices, though.

A friend who lived in the U.S. for a few years told me that in her opinion, the Israeli reliance on disposables is unprecedented in the developed world. I think it’s a shame, especially since, in my opinion, disposables don’t really save as much work as people think.

First, you need to remember to buy them, and then you panic if you don’t. And sometimes you end up running out to the store just because you’ve run out of plastic dishes and you haven’t geared up with a “real” dish set for the guests that just arrived at your doorstep.

Also, since plastic kitchenware (especially the cheap kind most Haredi families use) tips over, tears, and breaks easily, it will create more spills and messes when children use it. And finally, disposables clog up your garbage can so you need to empty it more often.

Plus disposable kitchenware is just plain yucky. Food both looks and feels so much nicer when served in glass or crockery.

The second tax that is now being revoked involves sugary drinks. My feelings about this one are more mixed. On the one hand, I don’t believe in a condescending, paternalistic attitude that tries to teach people what’s good for them by punishing unhealthy food choices through their wallet. I also have great faith in a free market. My suggestion is that, instead of revoking the tax, it’s time to roll it to the bottled drink manufacturers who destroy public health with their sugar-loaded offerings.

Finally, we should all remember that the consumer’s power is in our hands. Whatever taxes the government imposes or cancels, we can all choose to make an informed decision about what we eat, drink, or use in our kitchens. We can all take responsibility for our food and consumption habits and work towards making our own private household healthier and more environmentally friendly.

How I got over my plastic tablecloth addiction

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I’ve always considered myself a fairly eco-conscious person. I line dried, hand washed, repurposed, and tried to minimize the use of disposables. With one exception: plastic tablecloths for the Shabbat table.

I sort of felt I gamed the system when I spread out that transparent rustling sheet of plastic over my table. I didn’t need to worry about spills. Cleanup was a breeze. And I could still see my pretty cloth tablecloth through the plastic.

No, I didn’t feel too good about myself when it was time to shove that giant wad of plastic into the trash can. But I told myself, “You do enough laundry. You have tiny kids. You’re just surviving.” It was that word, “surviving”, which I used to justify a lot of lack of effort in many areas.

I could, of course, put on reusable waxed tablecloths, but there are limitations to cleaning on the Shabbat. For example, you can’t clean with a cloth and then wring it.

Then, one day, we switched to buying a long plastic roll rather than individual pre-cut pieces to save money. The problem is, you need to cut your plastic cover before the Shabbat, and if you forget to do that, too bad.

One such time, I nearly threw a fit when I realized that I’ll need to use cloth tablecloths and wash them. We lived in an area where we’d regularly get stuck without electricity or running water for days. But I still couldn’t help noticing how much nicer it was to eat without touching plastic with our hands and elbows.

I still wasn’t ready to give up on plastic table covers because of the aforementioned patchy utilities. There were many times when I delayed washing the dishes and was stuck with a full sink for three days. But when we moved, I no longer had to obsess about getting every load of laundry or stack of dishes done as soon as possible.

Then I started ghostwriting for one eco blog, which really got me more aware of how harmful plastic actually is and how important it is to minimize its use. I decided to lay my Shabbat cloth with no cover.

All in all, I needed three cloths for the three Shabbat meals. They took about half a load in the washer. And there was not a single stain, despite multiple spills of oil, wine, and tomato sauce.

For over a year now, I haven’t looked back. I just took my three favorite tablecloths off the line. They are perfectly clean and smell delicious – and they are ready to go on the table tomorrow night.